tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-62124914267964687252024-03-13T19:40:37.625-07:00Conversate is not a word and other abuses of the English languageLaurie McConnell (Conversate is not a word and other abuses of the English language)http://www.blogger.com/profile/06955664744282457777noreply@blogger.comBlogger1125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6212491426796468725.post-12201806687887300162012-08-16T09:38:00.000-07:002012-08-20T20:54:02.146-07:00Fat or Fiction? <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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As a woman of thirty-nine, I can say that I almost accept my body. I say almost because, the fact is, I have been fighting with my body image for so long that the behavior is ingrained in my being. I have tried myriad methods of satiating my inner, image demons, including creams, peels, and surgery. However, these band-aids never successfully barricaded me from my demons. On the contrary, they allowed my demons to dig in deeper where they still savagely hiss their disapproval.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-QagL8N8Akls/UCwjcip97iI/AAAAAAAAAJQ/AS9xIEY2Dec/s1600/Scan.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-QagL8N8Akls/UCwjcip97iI/AAAAAAAAAJQ/AS9xIEY2Dec/s320/Scan.jpg" width="227" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Me, at 19 years old.</td></tr>
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I found this photo a few weeks ago, and I have to say I was shocked. How had I ever gotten to this point? Why had no one ever said that I was too skinny? Why did I think I was fat? How had I not recognized that what I was doing was so dangerous? I recall becoming aware of my weight and the idea of dieting at about 12 years old. This awareness was followed by an obsessive-compulsive fixation on my body, and weight, which clouded my judgment into my mid-thirties.<br />
Starving oneself is remarkably easy to do, after the first few days, and is easily maintained. I found that it was too easy. I typically went for days at a time eating only the minutest of portions. I was partial to bananas. I did not know anything about eating disorders, and I never spoke to anyone about my need to control my eating. I binged and purged on an occasion or two, but I just hated the purging part. So, I stuck with the starvation tactic because it was producing the results that I wanted. I managed to bring my weight down to 101 pounds, and I maintained this weight into my early twenties. I remember being painfully disappointed that I could not get my weight under 100 pounds.<br />
I also took up exercise in the hopes that it would further tone my already underweight frame. I exercised for hours everyday and never did I consider that my body needed fuel to maintain the rigorous pace I was keeping. On several occasions, I fainted due to my low blood sugar; however, no one ever asked why it was so low, so I was able to continue my vicious cycle. I am very lucky to have never developed any of the serious anorexia nervosa complications such as amenorrhea, kidney damage, or heart problems<span style="color: #54585a; font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12.800000190734863px; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;">. </span></span><br />
The behaviors that I practiced for so many years, as a young woman, did not go away as an adult. I had set the tone and would spend years being obsessed about food portions, my weight, and my body. However, as I have grown older and become more educated, I have found that my demons are slowly taking their leave. I still worry about my weight, but I stopped imposing a strict eating regimen on myself when Bill and I got married in 2010. I still exercise, but I keep it in moderation and no longer spend 2-3 hours per day at the gym. I used to imagine, as I ran on the treadmill, that I was running away from all of the things that I couldn't control. I now know that I just needed to accept myself and the rest would work itself out.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-YqOUtzvdPGQ/UCwk9iHvKwI/AAAAAAAAAJo/fPa4bemSkTA/s1600/DSCN0557.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-YqOUtzvdPGQ/UCwk9iHvKwI/AAAAAAAAAJo/fPa4bemSkTA/s320/DSCN0557.JPG" width="240" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Me, at 39 years old. </span></td></tr>
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Laurie McConnell (Conversate is not a word and other abuses of the English language)http://www.blogger.com/profile/06955664744282457777noreply@blogger.com4